Yeah it’s from Tor’s Mind Phallus Prints. To be read in Australian accent.
"Actor Benedict Cumberbatch rescued by a Sydney Seaplane pilot after a week binge!
Benedict Cumberbatch, 37, from London, who is best known for playing Sherlock Holmes was picked up by a Sydney seaplane pilot earlier today. Reports say that he has been off his face on Australia’s best white for 1 whole week and he’d simply forgotten where he was and where he was staying. Cumberbatch was found along the shore chatting to a tennis ball he’d apparently named ‘Wilson’. He said, “I can’t wait to get back to my hotel to change my clothes! It’s been a long and confusing week. I couldn’t even remember what my name was. Wilson here told me it was Steve Jones and there were no reservations for me in the hotels we went in to. Neither in the public bathrooms…? Wilson is the best and worse co-star i have ever fucking worked with.” He also said, “Apparently some website has said i’ve acquired a mystery girlfriend since i’ve been stranded, so naturally i can’t wait to meet her, man! They better not be lying to me! Cor, i do hope she likes puzzles!” Our reporter Dwayne Honeysett couldn’t get much more of his report written down saying Cumberbatch was “talking way too fast for my hand, dude. I wish i’d have recorded it instead of using my notepad. Maybe it’s the effects of the Australian wine he’d just finished off before i got there. Will have to get some of that myself!” Benedict was also said to have climbed the Sydney bridge and made a perfect heart hand gesture, although Cumberbatch doesn’t recall it. He hugged the pilot, Terry, 33, around 14 times and gave him a few autographs (although Terry said “His autographs are like a weird, morphed smiley face?”) and pointed at Terry (“I can’t get my hand out of this position. Must be effects of that wine. It’s fucking wild, that wine!”) before he was last seen skipping (at first, the wrong way) down the harbour, throwing ‘Wilson’ in the air with joy and rapping along, acappella, to a song we aren’t quite aware of. God speed ya mate.”
And that was a completely false article from my brain.
Genius! You should think about writing!